8/20/2009
noone but me from URL @ 10:21 PM
I think that we should stop taking it for granted that hearts will beat,
because one day, someday, they won't.
I hate myself for being superficial. Hate it that i only realise what's important when it's on the verge of being lost. Hate it when i find traits in myself that i used to hate in other people. I hate it that i'm living this hedonistic lifestyle when i know for myself that i am not this kind of person. Hate it that i find conformity a need, hate it that i conform. I hate it that i'm losing the drive that use to drive me, hate it that i'm not doing anything about it. Yeah, i realise that there are a whole lot of things that i hate about myself, but i also realise that they are things that i can do something about. I don't know how i live with myself sometimes.
Sometimes when shit happens, you want to believe that it happens for a reason. For me, I need to believe that it happens for a reason, that it was God's will, and i need my faith for that.
& i need to not need shit for me to realise that i need my faith.
Seriously? Above everything, i hate myself for that the most.
Nope i'm not in a self-destructive mode, i'm fine. Just been thinking.
Lit today with Ho was so amazing that i teared.
Did you know that Virginia Woolf committed suicide by filling the pockets in her overcoat with stones and walking into the river Ouse? She drowned. Leonard and i were so upset about it. ):
Ask me, i'll tell you all about it. It's depressing.
I really enjoy learning i realise. Apart from practical maths (cos there's nothing to understand, its just formulae), history, literature, econs and KI are so extremely interesting that i almost never, ever, feel sleepy in lessons. There's just so much that i don't know, and so much that i'm learning about- more than just the subjects- through all these subjects that its nothing short of brilliant. If there wasn't such a thing called the Freaking As which sucks alll the joy out of learning, i would happily troop to school each day for lessons. I think the amazing teachers contribute to a big part of this too.
(I enjoy learning, but i enjoy being lazy even more and i hate myself for that too)
I realise that i'm now interested in anthropology on top of psychology. & i'm also interested in sociology. & political sciences :/ I've gotta narrow it down so i can start all my damn uni applications. Uni appz haaaa. That's something.
I appreciate the friends i have. The friends who make a smile, make me laugh, who spare a thought. & as much as i may hate so much about myself, (don't get me wrong, its just these characteristics, i'm not depressed or anyth) i'm extremely blessed for the people around me.
Especiallllly, my mother ): i'm scared. in a way that makes me tremble.
goodnight.
So hold me closer and don't let go,
i'm falling so please just don't let go
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